Life Goes On...

I haven’t done this in a while, but I feel like I need to pour my heart out a little.

I love my parents, so much, and I appreciate everything they do for me, they’re so kind, and smart and present and caring, but they’re not always the most open minded of people, and that’s okay, until it isn’t. My life should comprise of my own choices, right? Not things others have decided on for me, not based on notions others think are true, they should be my decisions, and consequences I face. The short version is that my personality has been changing; I’ve been hurt, I feel like I’ve been walked over, I feel abandoned sometimes, I feel alone and surrounded by love all at the same time, and every experience, every sacrifice, every decision has changed me into the person I am today, and my parents just don’t see that. They want me to be little innocent 10 year old me who went from school to school and was fine, but I’m 21 now, and things have changed. I made a decision to help out someone that became really close and dear to me, financially, because she has no one else, and I believe in the person she can become with just a little bit of support that isn’t available to her right now from anywhere else really. This made my parents really upset, because my dear friend has been stuck in this bad situation in a while, and hasn’t been able to pay me back yet, and I think that’s fine, because I know she’s good for it, but it drives my parents insane that I could have a naive heart such as this, for just wanting to help someone on such a grand scale… they just don’t understand, and that’s okay, because I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing, and I stand by my decision.

That’s one matter out of the way… onto the second.

In high school, I guess you could say I didn’t fit in 100% anywhere…. I had a giant group of friends, I didn’t have a problem with anyone, so I did my best to get along with everyone, and when we sat at a table, we took up a whole row of 3 - 4 tables, because we were just so many. It wasn’t until grade 12, when I had a spare during lunch, that I realized I didn’t really have anyone that cared enough to come see where I was or text me to ask where I was, it was always me looking for people and joining them. This intense loneliness took over, but whenever we were all at parties, it was nice to be in everyone’s presence. Being the kind of person I am, as much as I enjoy the parties, and letting loose, I like talking to my friends and getting to know them more, I still felt like such an outsider in my own group of friends. When they all moved away to university, they had such a better experience than I did, when we met up during breaks, and caught up, their stories and their new lives were so much more interesting, where mine was just lectures and then going back home. I guess already we were setting up our different paths. I thought (and still do think), that all the people I had lunch with in high school are my friends…. but then something stupid happens, and you’re reminded of your loneliness, of how little you actually mattered to these people you regard so highly. Something stupid like seeing one of their snapchat stories and seeing some of them hanging out together with someone that barely ever comes back, and realizing you weren’t even on their list of people to contact to see if you’re free to hang out at any time, even though you’d sent them so many texts or messages, just asking how they were. Or another something stupid like, you start working at Petsmart, see the name of a dog with the last name of someone you considered a good friend, and you realize you must not have known that person as well as you thought because how could you possibly not know that they had a dog? The only conclusion you can reach: that you’re just not as important to them as they are to you… and that shatters my heart into a million tiny pieces, because if these people aren’t really my friends, they don’t really see me as a friend…. why did they pretend that we were for at least 4 years if not more? Was it just convenient? is that all? Whatever their reason…. it just makes me feel so much lonelier… it breaks my heart. over… and over… and over again… and again…